Today a received a message from Cheryl Cook that really made me smile as it was soooo recognizeable.
She wrote:
Dear Annick,
While on a training ride one weekend, I had not one, not two, but three flat tires. Luckily, I was only two miles from home after the 3rd flat tire when my husband came to pick up my bike and me.
Once we were safely home, my husband asked if anyone stopped to "rescue" me. My answer was "No." He wasn't surprised. He said, "You have a face that says, 'I don't want help'."
What does your face say about your business? Does it say you can do it all? You don't need any help? I know how you feel. Walking home with a flat tire on my bike, I wanted to look like I had everything under control. I didn't want to appear vulnerable. I don't need any help.
Once we were safely home, my husband asked if anyone stopped to "rescue" me. My answer was "No." He wasn't surprised. He said, "You have a face that says, 'I don't want help'."
What does your face say about your business? Does it say you can do it all? You don't need any help? I know how you feel. Walking home with a flat tire on my bike, I wanted to look like I had everything under control. I didn't want to appear vulnerable. I don't need any help.
It really made me smile and think of an article by Janet Chahrour the other day, on accepting help, that I'd like to share with you:
Accepting Help: The New Way To Be Strong
by Janet Chahrour
Find out what this brief quiz reveals about you.
1. What do you say when a cashier asks if you’d like help carrying heavy stuff to the car?
a. Oh yes, thank you!
b. No thanks; I’m fine.
2. How likely are you to call a friend when you are feeling down? a. Very likely
b. Not very likely
c. I’ll do it just after hell freezes over
3. How do you react when a colleague offers to do a part of your job when you are exhausted? a. Please, yes. That would be wonderful.
b. No thanks; I’m fine.
4. A neighbor offers you help in a time of crisis for you. He or she says, “tell me what I can do for you.”
What’s your answer?
a. Thank goodness! I’ll make a list.
b. I’d appreciate that. Here’s a one-minute task you could do for me
c. You are kind. But everything’s taken care of.
If you answered “A” to three or more of the questions, you are a poster child for accepting help. If you didn’t answer “A” as often, you just might be help-averse. Either way, keep reading because help-aversion, yours or others’, affects the quality of your life.
There are many good reasons people resist being helped. Beginners at any task want and need to practice. The toddler says “me do it!” when someone tries to assist her with putting on her jacket. The adolescent is developing his unique identity and wants to paint his room his own way. The young adult in a new job enjoys proving herself capable at each task. These are examples of healthy, developmentally appropriate independence. In comparison, getting help from others seems weak or immature.
Is this the healthiest outlook? Do we ever get to advance beyond proving ourselves? By the time we are grown up we’ve had so much practice at independence that we may overlook the fact that there is another way. And a much better way at that! We could ask for and accept help! We could use our own talents and those of others to get unstuck, locate resources, protect our health, find the way when we are lost, create new society …all kinds of amazing stuff!
We can choose to receive help instead of acting out of the habit of independence. If I’ve been juggling three kids and a job, maybe I don’t need to prove my competence every minute of the day. I could choose to have the strong teenage bagger put my purchases into my car. If I’ve got a cold or feel fatigued, I could choose to let a friend or colleague take some of my responsibilities. If I’m less energetic as I rack up the decades, I could choose to have my children host the holiday meal.
Help aversion hits the baby boomers and those older particularly hard. The collaborative learning model in education just got going in the 90’s. If you went to school before that, the model was independent work all the way. No talking! Working together is cheating! The TV heroes of my childhood were The Lone Ranger and Zorro. They were mysterious, cool, good, and independent. They were our role models.
Some of us hate asking for things so much that it ranks as significant pain; it feels shameful. The shame of asking is worse than the pain of needing something and not knowing how to get it. But let’s look at this. Suffering from asking is purely perspective; it’s all in the head. Take on a new perspective and it disappears. If accepting help is seen as the smart, practical, and efficient approach that it is, it becomes a no-brainer to accept it. More gets accomplished and everyone is happier. From this perspective, it’s a little crazy to turn down sincere gifts of assistance.
Actually, it’s selfish to reject help. Consider what accepting help provides others. How does it feel when you help a colleague solve a problem they are struggling with? Or to drive an appreciative friend to pick up her car? Or to share the name of the best plumber in town? It’s satisfying, isn’t it? When we do these things, we feel useful and kind. And we feel connection to the other. There’s vulnerability in accepting help; the very stuff that creates intimacy. It’s so human! It also bestows upon the giver a sense of his or her own value. What a precious gift! And can you really get too much caring and attention in your life?
What happens if we reach old age without the ability to accept help gracefully? We may be in for some very unhappy days. Either our real needs will go unmet or we will suffer from receiving assistance we have never learned to accept. Accept help. Flow with its grace.
Asking for help can actually increase the level of responsibility you take in life. It’s a way of living large. You ask your kids to clean portions of the house, creating more competent children and a happier family. You ask the neighbors to collaborate on an effort to get a stop sign put in at an intersection, improving neighborhood safety as a result. You ask friends to sponsor your efforts with a charity and help underserved people get the resources they need. When we go solo, we often spin our wheels, get frustrated and give up on dreams. What a waste! If you want to have real impact in the world, connect with others, and have more fun, accept help!
And ya know, even The Lone Ranger had Tonto.
by Janet Chahrour
Find out what this brief quiz reveals about you.
1. What do you say when a cashier asks if you’d like help carrying heavy stuff to the car?
a. Oh yes, thank you!
b. No thanks; I’m fine.
2. How likely are you to call a friend when you are feeling down? a. Very likely
b. Not very likely
c. I’ll do it just after hell freezes over
3. How do you react when a colleague offers to do a part of your job when you are exhausted? a. Please, yes. That would be wonderful.
b. No thanks; I’m fine.
4. A neighbor offers you help in a time of crisis for you. He or she says, “tell me what I can do for you.”
What’s your answer?
a. Thank goodness! I’ll make a list.
b. I’d appreciate that. Here’s a one-minute task you could do for me
c. You are kind. But everything’s taken care of.
If you answered “A” to three or more of the questions, you are a poster child for accepting help. If you didn’t answer “A” as often, you just might be help-averse. Either way, keep reading because help-aversion, yours or others’, affects the quality of your life.
There are many good reasons people resist being helped. Beginners at any task want and need to practice. The toddler says “me do it!” when someone tries to assist her with putting on her jacket. The adolescent is developing his unique identity and wants to paint his room his own way. The young adult in a new job enjoys proving herself capable at each task. These are examples of healthy, developmentally appropriate independence. In comparison, getting help from others seems weak or immature.
Is this the healthiest outlook? Do we ever get to advance beyond proving ourselves? By the time we are grown up we’ve had so much practice at independence that we may overlook the fact that there is another way. And a much better way at that! We could ask for and accept help! We could use our own talents and those of others to get unstuck, locate resources, protect our health, find the way when we are lost, create new society …all kinds of amazing stuff!
We can choose to receive help instead of acting out of the habit of independence. If I’ve been juggling three kids and a job, maybe I don’t need to prove my competence every minute of the day. I could choose to have the strong teenage bagger put my purchases into my car. If I’ve got a cold or feel fatigued, I could choose to let a friend or colleague take some of my responsibilities. If I’m less energetic as I rack up the decades, I could choose to have my children host the holiday meal.
Help aversion hits the baby boomers and those older particularly hard. The collaborative learning model in education just got going in the 90’s. If you went to school before that, the model was independent work all the way. No talking! Working together is cheating! The TV heroes of my childhood were The Lone Ranger and Zorro. They were mysterious, cool, good, and independent. They were our role models.
Some of us hate asking for things so much that it ranks as significant pain; it feels shameful. The shame of asking is worse than the pain of needing something and not knowing how to get it. But let’s look at this. Suffering from asking is purely perspective; it’s all in the head. Take on a new perspective and it disappears. If accepting help is seen as the smart, practical, and efficient approach that it is, it becomes a no-brainer to accept it. More gets accomplished and everyone is happier. From this perspective, it’s a little crazy to turn down sincere gifts of assistance.
Actually, it’s selfish to reject help. Consider what accepting help provides others. How does it feel when you help a colleague solve a problem they are struggling with? Or to drive an appreciative friend to pick up her car? Or to share the name of the best plumber in town? It’s satisfying, isn’t it? When we do these things, we feel useful and kind. And we feel connection to the other. There’s vulnerability in accepting help; the very stuff that creates intimacy. It’s so human! It also bestows upon the giver a sense of his or her own value. What a precious gift! And can you really get too much caring and attention in your life?
What happens if we reach old age without the ability to accept help gracefully? We may be in for some very unhappy days. Either our real needs will go unmet or we will suffer from receiving assistance we have never learned to accept. Accept help. Flow with its grace.
Asking for help can actually increase the level of responsibility you take in life. It’s a way of living large. You ask your kids to clean portions of the house, creating more competent children and a happier family. You ask the neighbors to collaborate on an effort to get a stop sign put in at an intersection, improving neighborhood safety as a result. You ask friends to sponsor your efforts with a charity and help underserved people get the resources they need. When we go solo, we often spin our wheels, get frustrated and give up on dreams. What a waste! If you want to have real impact in the world, connect with others, and have more fun, accept help!
And ya know, even The Lone Ranger had Tonto.
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