Druids make hostile take-over bid for struggling Vatican

Market-leading religion Roman Catholicism Inc. could be facing its biggest test yet; a hostile take-over bid from a group of private equity druids.

With evidence of sexual impropriety and a failure to keep pace with the demands of the 19th Century consumer, several senior board members have already been forced from their posts.
“The Vatican is still stuck on pushing the frankly outdated ‘one God’ model”, explained Chief Druid Arthur Dragonsbaine.
“That’s the sort of patriarchal framework that just turns off the modern godless drifter. We propose getting naked, and dancing our tits off in the woods.”
Dragonsbaine revealed his investors’ plans to turn Catholicism around, using a group of maternal Gods and some mushrooms he found in a field.
“We’re not just here to asset-strip”, explained Dragonsbaine, “we’re a not-for-prophet organisation. But it’s true we’ve scrapped the old-fashioned Basilica, and replace it with a nice, big friendly tree.”

Vatican takeover

While all the gold and elaborate stonework has sold very well on ebay, Dragonsbaine insisted that the Church’s employees were its most valuable asset.
“Sacrificial virgins are increasingly hard to come by, but the Vatican is full of supposedly celibate priests”, revealed the cloaked Soothsayer.
“That represents a good synergy for us, especially as we approach the burning season.”
Dragonsbaine assured senior cardinals that he had a place for them at the head of his new framework, although that framework would probably be a Wicker Man.